Misadventures in Adcopy #5 - Special "News" Edition

Metro is a free, daily newspaper distributed along the public transit lines of several major metropolis. Since last year they've been engaged in a blitz marketing campaign for a company called Acushakti, which has taken all of the health benefits of a bed of nails, and mass produced it in plastic. They've had weekly ads, including several full pages, and one day when Metro had the front and back cover printed to look like an Acushakti mat. Honestly, I thought that was a nifty marketing ploy.


But what's not nifty, in fact is unacceptable, are the articles that Metro has published about Acushakti. I’ve seen three in the mywellbeing section since December, and while I know Metro isn’t the gold standard in journalistic excellence and integrity (I can’t seem to find Metro’s Journalistic Code of Ethics), the About section of their website states, “colorful features are presented without any bias.” I’m disappointed that Metro can’t recognize the inherent bias of using articles to promote one of their advertisers.

The New York Times, which does have an accessible ethical code, calls these “advertorials.” And what’s the news being reported in today's article entitled Study: Nail mats 'do tackle muscle pain'? According to one of the doctors cited in the article, Dr. Anette Kjellgren, “additional pain (from the mat) filters out the competing pain.”

Yeah, I know, like how whenever I have a toothache I’ve found that being punched, hard, in the nose, makes me barely care about the toothache. Leaving aside the conflict of interest, or the somewhat simplistic results of the study, since when is an unpublished “scientific” study newsworthy?

When the value of spike mats for pain reduction is confirmed in a study published in a peer reviewed journal, that might be news, at least for another newspaper that hasn’t sold been running full page and larger Acushakti ads for months.

Misadventures in Ad-copy #4

The latest misadventure comes from generic products, in particular this cereal, conveniently located next to Chex at Market Basket.



I suppose this is nominally better than some other options. They probably crossed out "Square Shaped Ground Corn Product" and "Puppy Chow Base Material." True, in the context of the cereal aisle it's clear what this product is, and I'm sure the sparse, possibly even terse name is all that's needed there. But out of context it doesn't quite get the message across. If someone asked me to "pick up some square shaped corn," I'd probably spend most of my time looking for it in the produce aisle. "Square Shaped Corn" lacks inspiration, unless the name is meant to be comically direct. But this feels like a missed opportunity. Dr. Pepper has spawned hoards of impostors who no doubt earned their advanced degrees at an online University. My favorite amongst them is Walmart's resident M.D., Dr. Thunder. If you want to find out about other doctors near you, take a look at Frenchboxing's website.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to check out the other offerings so I don't know if they also carry my personal favorite, Toroidal Oats.

South Roxbury Living

When I wake up in the morning it's unlikely that I will eat breakfast. But if I don't eat breakfast I'm bound for 10:30 a.m. crash at work. Over the years I've experimented with various "fast" breakfast options.

Pop Tarts would be the obvious, economical option, but one summer many years ago, my camp bought a full truckload of pop tarts. In the past pop tarts had been a treat, processed food reserved as a special treat for afternoon nosh, or as prizes for camp games, but that summer we were offered pop tarts at every meal. Quickly I came to understand pop tarts for what they really were: packing peanuts reprocessed into crumbly rectangles with a layer of sweet,non-adhesive glue barely bonding them together, and a brittle layer of sugar glass on top. Plus, even with fortification I'm pretty sure they have less nutritional value than a spoonful of potting soil.

Pop tarts were not an option.

I tried some liquid-breakfast options, but my innards were not impressed, and besides, they tended to have about the same nutritional value as a glass of milk, but at double the price. Nutri-grain bars were an improvement on Pop tarts in texture, but still didn't feel like more than an over-processed fruit bar sprinkled with a bit of oatmeal.

I soon forayed into breakfast protein bars and settled on "South Beach Living" bars, as "not awful." The chocolate-berry and cinnamon-raisin bars were nearly even "okay." The best had a little give, a little chewiness to them. Regardless, at 10 grams of protein per bar and assorted vitamins and about $.50 per bar I figured that the nutritional price was right.

Well two things happened. First, the boxes, which had been 2 for $5, went up in price. Not a large amount, but they passed a psychological affordability barrier. Then it became clear that they were not restocking the best flavors. Cinnamon-raisin was gone first, then chocolate-berry, till finally all that remained were the peanut bars, which were the least palatable.

One week my Hy-Vee announced the change with one of their coupons:


Finally the reason became clear, South Beach had decided to do a redesign. No big deal, and the coupon restored the boxes to their previous boffo value.

The new boxes shifted the KRAFT trademark from the upper right corner to the left and in it's place proudly proclaimed that these protein fit bars had "Twice the Protein of the Leading Cereal Bar."

In smaller font the box indicated the amount of protein: 8 grams.



So, KRAFT added some cursive, and removed their assertion that their cereal bars were a "Nutritious Way To Help Satisfy Hunger." And while they were doing this redesign they also lowered the protein content of the bars by 20%.

There's a small mathematical part of me very disappointed that South Beach Living Protein Fit Bars which once contained 20% of my minimum RDA of protein now only contain %15. If they had instantly restocked my favorite flavors I'd probably ignore it and carry on. I bet they even taste slightly better now that they have fewer dessicated soy krispies, or whatever they did to bulk up the protein.

I'd tell you to stop buying South Beach Living Protein Fit Bars, but I assume you already had more sense than that. For me, it may be time to start waking up 15 minutes earlier so I can make eggs and toast.

Misadventures in Adcopy #4

Today's misadventure in adcopy is found at GECKO sfx. Okay, so Geico's spokesgecko's more doe-eyed cousin wanted to start a graphic effects company. I have no problem with that as long as he's done his homework and goes full out.

A smaller graphic tells me,

WARNING! Creative Blast Area

I've always got my creative hard hat ready (it absorbs the impact of explosive ideas rather than deflecting them). However, this website is totally stactic. There's not even a single link. I don't feel like I'm in any sort of danger, really, I'd welcome slightly more danger.

But I'm having most difficulty with the adcopy:

Creating Myths and Making Dreams ComeTrue is Our Mission. Switch On Your Creativity. Abuse of it.

GECKO sfx seems a little confused about what they want to capitalize, and there's a space missing between "Come" and "True," but what really throws me for a loop is the imperative, Abuse of it. Any interpretations?

Maybe this is a direct result of fragmentation from the afformentioned creative blast area.

*The accompanying blog has not been updated since 2008, so this pretty clearly a ghost site. I wouldn't have been so interested except that I was googling Artifice Magazine and a site supposedly under construction by Gecko sfx was one of the top hits.

Misadventures in Adcopy #3

What comes to mind when you see this word:



Don't be shy. To be fair, this isn't so much a misadventure in adcopy as it is in brand-naming. The adcopy is fine. But I don't know how anyone could get from the brand-name to the product without the picture.



This is one case where I'd really appreciate the addition of a hyphen, Bump-its, or a bit of well-placed capitalization, BumpIts. Though lacking those things the packaging is much more funny.

Robodating: Mr. Eset searches for the Wobot of his dreams

Could it be this Svedka model? Yes, she's sexy and cheeky, but it's unclear whether she has the the intellect or gravitas to satisfy him.

Frankly, I think he's more likely to fall for Cameron.

PB&J - the story continues

I have always had an interest in food oddities. There's a recent move in our culture towards neurotic food awareness and a lot of it seems colored by contempt for the what middle-america eats. Yes, we're upset about deplorable conditions for animals and eating locally and so on, but we do that because we're privileged enough to be able to it. Meanwhile, millions of people are forced to rely on cheap processed food. We eat to the level we've been educated and then as well compared to that as we can afford. But I don't have contempt for processed foods. When I ran track in high school I used to run about 3.5 miles from the school to the Amherst Village Green. I rewarded myself by making utterly ridiculous impulse food purchases. I think it's safe to say that had PB&J been an option I would have bought it.

As is I would have never had the opportunity to experience it were it not for the GED classes that are run at the other end of my office. HFI Heartland Foods' "PB& J, the PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY Graham Cracker SANDWICH" is a "2.2 oz portion contains one grain-bread serving and 1.0 oz meat alternative for the school meal pattern requirements."

Here are the nutritional value as presented on the label:

Calories 318.09
Total Fat 18.07 grams 28%DV
Saturated Fat 2.69 grams 13%DV
Sodium 270.41 mg 11%DV
Carbohydrates 30.91 grams 10%DV
Dietary Fiber 1.14 grams 5%DV
Protein 11.71 grams
Calcium 2.8 mg, Iron 3.5 mg, 31%

That's right. The good nutritionists over at HFI have their nutritional content down to an absolute, exact science. Some companies would be satisfied to merely round up to 320 calories, but HFI has done their homework out to the second decimal. Really, if you think about it they're just setting a good example for the students eating it.

The origins of the PB&J are something of an enigma. According to the packaging these little bundles of meat alternative are made in scenic Moosic, Pennsylvania, however there's no reference to the factory in any account of Moosic I've been able to locate.

The HFI brand is currently owned by Preferred Meal Systems, Inc. Preferred by who, you might ask? I'd be hard pressed to tell you. PMS (they probably hate it when people call them that) also manages such brands as "Tasty Stuffed Delights" and "Kids Are People Too."

Perhaps the latter brand shows a little more respect for kids taste. Sadly, PB&J falls short, particularly on the "J." I've personally consumed close to a dozen of these, each time hoping against hope that this time I'd find the Jelly, because in truth, with a thin layer of Jelly these would be plenty tasty. But after thorough, scientific dissection the most I've ever been able to find is small purple smear on one of the Graham Crackers.

Recently the GED program has moved to bean burritos as their meat alternative, and while I'll miss PB&J conceptually, the burritos are a definite improvement in flavor.

Visit Scenic Moosic

At the turn of the century, 1,227 people lived in Moosic, ten years
later, 3,964 people lived in Moosic. Had they continued to grow at that rate for the rest of the century one could imagine Moosic to be a bustling small town with over 25,000 people. However, despite having a 20-screen movie theater and being the proud hometown of the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre AAA Yankees, in 2000 the census total was 5,575. This means that in Lackawanna County Moosic lagged behind even fellow Borough, Dickson City, which had virtually nothing comparable to recommend it, unless you count the first Starbucks in Northeastern Pennsylvanian and a passing reference in The Office (set in Scranton). Moosic does however have a higher population than the Borough of Throop, home of the annual (for over 20 years) Summer Cow Flop.

Moosic is also home to an ABC news affiliate, the Shoppes at Montage (go to the website, but don't expect that you'll be given any indication of why "Shops" are spelled wrong), and even a PGA tournament golf course. According to Moosic Borough's website "the future horizon looms bright for the Borough of Moosic." Generally speaking I feel that things are more likely to loom ominously than to loom brightly, but then Moosic's situation is so good that it shines through common and idiomatic usage. And yet, despite all these fine attractions, I would never have heard of Moosic if it were not also the place where HFI Heartland Foods' PB& J, the PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY Graham Cracker SANDWICH is produced.

Tune in tomorrow for a full dissection of this food wonder.

Disturbing Job Titles

These jobs are now available:

5. Loss Prevention Agent

4. Irregular Warfare Analyst

3. Catastrophe Modeler

2. Casualty Adjuster

1. Manager of Denials

Soon to be posted:

Assistant to Malaise
Itch-Control Specialist
Coordinator of Despair

O.J.'s impulse buys #1 - follow up

As will surprise no one, Batter Blaster, is a far better name than it is a product.

Rather than a pancake, batter blaster tends to make somewhat burnt and and sour discs. Even slathered with copious amounts of butter and a healthy drizzle of maple flavored syrup this product will still probably make you wish that you had an extra 7 minutes in your busy life to make bisquick batter. Though actually, they have a pre-made batter option. It's not in a can, but it may actually taste good.

However, while batter blaster does not make great pancakes, seeing the can still makes me giggle.

O.J.'s Impulse Buyes #1

Like so many others, my budget has tightened. My most major splurge this month has been signing on to Netflix, which I'm doing my best to justify by watching a movie every other day. However, leaving aside justifiable treats there are some things which I buy purely on impulse, usually judging the book (sometimes it is a book), by its cover. As with this first installment of O.J.'s impulse buys most incorporate some form of adcopy so good, that even if the product is awful, it's worth simply to reread. Last week while at the super market I found a product that had me first snickering, and then giggling whenever I thought of it. I have yet to use it, but I do enjoy seeing it in my fridge each morning.

The product is Batter Blaster and it's hard to imagine the marketing team couldn't have been aware that it's only a short phonetic and conceptual hop from another alliterative phrase that includes the word batter, i.e. "baby batter." Even if your mind doesn't instantly enter the gutter, the concept is pretty smart and alliteration in food is always amusing.

For now I'm just enjoying the name. Once I've opened it up and made a few pancakes I'll be sure to post if it's really a blast. Tee hee.

Savory and Sweet

Thursday night passover came to an end, and after a successful night of bowling my team and I went out to the Village Inn to celebrate. The menu listed many fantastic leavened treats, and I considered several different pancake configurations.

It should be noted that after spending the first half of passover with my family I returned to IA hoping to pick up just a few minor passover essentials. A box of matzah, a jar of borscht, and maybe also a jar of gefilte fish. Instead, when I went to Hy-Vee, the table holding their small selection of kosher for passover foods was gone and had been replaced by a ziggurat of Peppridge farm bagels. I tried the shelf in the ethnic food section where year-round kosher foods are usually stored, but the entire selection had been replaced with a wall of ramen noodles. I was so flabbergasted and annoyed that I left with nothing but a bag of lettuce, a rotisserie chicken, and two boxes of eggs. As a result nearly every meal from Sunday night on was built around eggs. Hard-boiled, scrambled, omelets: each was exquisitely boring to me by Thursday night.

But when I got to the Village Inn I was conflicted. My team mates had been talking about getting pie, and the Caramel Pecan Silk Supreme looked over-the-top good, but I still wanted something savory. Searching for something that would fulfill my craving without being overwhelming I finally decided to get my slice of pie with a side of bacon.

My friends were shocked by this combo, but I was amazed I had never thought of it before. Bacon goes great with pancakes and maple syrup, why not serve it with desert?

A quick internet search reveals that my friends and I are far behind the curve. The blogosphere went into a frenzy over the desert-bacon concept during the middle of 2008 after Marini's Candies began selling chocolate-covered bacon. However, Marini's Candies may have gotten the idea from Vosges release of Mo's Bacon Bar in 2007.

The adcopy for Mo's Bacon Bar is a fine example of food porn:

Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate. Snap off just a tiny piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.

God, I'm getting hot, and hungry.

If your taste-buds are aroused by the idea, but not quite to the tune of $10 a bar, just check out Yum Sugar's do-it-yourself recipe.

And, unsurprisingly, my bacon/pie combo was fantastic.

The perfect blend of apple juices

Can you guess how many different countries contribute apples to Dole 100% Apple Juice? Three, maybe four, right? Try every country on this list:


Austria
Argentina
Brazil
Chile
China
Germany
Hungary
Italy
Turkey
United States

And the ingredient list doesn't say it "may contain," it says "contains," which seems to imply that each bottle has apple juice from these countries.

Now to be fair, it doesn't say "Juice from apples grown in the following countries," but instead "concentrate from," so in a truly, ridiculously global economy it would be possible that the apples in the concentrates from the listed countries may in fact include apples from other, bordering countries, where there may be a surplus of apples. Or it's possible that all of these concentrates use apples that originate from only one country, such as China, the largest producer of apples on the Dole ingredient list.

Regardless, I can't think of anything else I eat or drink whose components are even theoretically so well-traveled.


<----------- barrels of concentrate in a warehouse in China. Kids; this is your opportunity to make your personal or local pool taste just like apple juice!

Space... The Final Advertising Frontier

Last year I read about the ISS toolbag and within the last week I discovered this site:

http://www.n2yo.com/?s=33442

which provides by-the-second tracking of the ISS toolbag for amateur astronomers, and dorks such as myself. The site also tracks dozens of other objects in orbit.

Clearly the time has arrived for Giant-Floating-Space-Billboards. Yes, it'd probably be moving to fast to read, but just the action of a large company putting an ad in space would probably generate enough buzz to make the billboard's launch worth it. Maybe even with enough optical expertise a rough image or some color could be added. I can see a Pepsi-Moon becoming a big hit. Even the outrage might be good publicity. Of course a free-orbit satellite may be a bit hazardous, but even that provides an opportunity for publicity. Eventually we would be watching for the Pepsi-Meteorite, or praying to whatever we hold dear that it doesn't crash into our neighborhood...

Of course anyone who's read or watched a little sci-fi could tell you that there a plenty of other advertising frontiers. I think we're still a couple hundred years from advertising piped into our dreams, but we may only be a couple of years from advertisements beamed directly to cell phones or PDAs as we walk past particular stores or enter particular areas (if this isn't already being done). Think about that last one. It could be a great way for cellular phone companies to subsidize the cost of data plans. If you could save $20 a month on your cellular phone service by opting into a direct personalized advertising plan, would you do it?

Misadventures in Adcopy #2

From the top of Carl Buddig - Orginal Deli Thin - Corned Beef:

SLICED
CHOPPED
PRESSED
COOKED

I believe certain Buddig products also include SMOKED. With this many verbs, you know it's got to be good. Part of me wants to see the setting in which all these actions are taken. The other part wants to start buying another lunch meat product as soon as possible.

But the 8 ounce Buddig deli thin meats are cheaper than any other, with the exception of Hy-Vee brand (and only when they're running a special). Plus Buddig puts those 8 ounces in a handy reusable plastic tub. And I have to admit, I really like their Corned Beef, which is surprisingly low in fat.

In order to stop thinking of the no doubt heinous and soulless facility that does all these things to the meat I like to come up with other verbs Buddig could have used instead. For instance:

CARESSED
MASSAGED
STROKED
LOVED


See, now we're thinking about something entirely different. Though I suppose in context it's not, in fact, better. What verbs would make you more likely to buy Buddig products?

Misadventures in Adcopy

From the bottom of my box of Kleenex:

Kiss calm, cool and collected goodbye!
Don't be bashful. Don't be shy. It's time to unabashedly let it out!
So be messy.
Blow it loud and blow it proud.



Wait, kleenex are still marketed mainly for nose-blowing right? Because a guy could get a little confused by the implication of these words. Also,"it's time to unabashedly let it out," is trademarked. Seriously, they couldn't do any better than a clunky mid-sentence adverb?

Tomorrow is a shopping day, so there may be more analysis of adcopy in the near future.